The deeper connection.

The deeper connection
So, 2 years later and I’m back :-)
The months before my travels to New Zealand I asked myself what I wanted to learn and experience. There were times I felt disconnected. Not in touch with my intuition and my goals in life. Not in touch with the others around me. Not in touch with my boyfriend. I struggled with being completely open, honest and vulnerable. So I was looking for this deeper connection. This uncondontional love. And I knew I was going to find it in New Zealand. I just didn’t know how.

J. brought me in contact with D., an energy worker. She has been working with him too, and for quite some time now she wanted us to meet, cause she thought we would connect and learn from each other.
The moment I met him, everything changed. Straight away I felt this deep connection with him. As if we already knew each other for years, lives even. And he felt the same.
Immediately we started talking about everything. And that was just so easy, so light, so pure. There was nothing I wanted to hide from him. Nothing I could hide from him. He felt it all anyways. He picked up on my energy and I picked up on his. And that was a first in my life. I could feel his energy, even when he was far away. It made no sense to me, so I just decided to feel it, and sit with it. The rest would happen anyway.

In the next couple of days I hung out with him, J. and the whole gang of friends and colleagues that J. had gathered around her, and that I’ve met 2,5 years ago. There was this flow of pure joy, opennes and unconditional love. I shared everything, and without even talking I could pick up their energies and thoughts. It felt as if I came home again. As if I was reunited with parts of my soul that split off a long time ago.

And then I realised, that on my journey to find this deeper connection with my boyfriend, I couldn’t experience it with him. It was something I wanted to work on with him, because there were moments we felt this beautiful connection. But it always slipped away quickly.
So now I realised that this was not something I could work on. It was there, or it wasn’t. So in order to focus on myself completely and what I wanted in life, I had to break up with him. 1 week after my travels started.
I never saw this coming, cause we were going to meet in the Phillipines, but I realised that if was honest to myself and him, we had different life goals, and different ways of connecting to each other which would not be enough for me and him in the end.
I’m happy I tried with him, he taught me a lot, he is an amazing guy, but I needed to be completely free, in order to let this process continue.


Unconditional love
After a week of pure joy, crazy laughter and intimate conversations it was time for the workshops. Horse therapy with J., family constellations with Mark, connecting with nature spirits with Dave, and a reading from the Maori sjaman Wai.
But first I had another connection to be made. The one that would show me unconditional love.

J. took me home cause she had a surpise for me. She asked me to close my eyes and open my hands. I felt a little box in my hands and immediately I felt her, our sweet dog Miss T. The love of my life. The one that showed me unconditional love. I could really feel her presence. I could feel her soft small body in my hands as if she layed there as the puppy that she was.I Immediately I started crrying my eyes out. I missed her so so much.
Me and J. connected deeply thoughout this. She told me how sorry she was, that Miss T. wasn't here, that she wanted me to meet her again so much. And that it wasn't the coalt's fault that she died. She was always suppossed to be here for a short while.
I cried so much, but they also felt like old healing tears. They were showing my love for Miss T, but it went deeper than that. Something healed that I couldn't really figure out.
J. showed me 2 necklaces, one purple and one blue, with Miss T. ashes. I picked the purple one, since that was always the energy that I saw when I closed my eyes. She also gave me the box with her ashes. I could really feel her unconditional love, and I realised more than ever that that's why she was put on this planet with me. To teach me that and to trust in all the deeper connections that I’ve made with all these special friends.
It also made me realise how big J.'s heart was. It was the sweetest thing someone has ever done to me. It softened my heart and made it wide open. And I realised how deeply connected my and J. were. We could read eachothers mind, and finish each others sentences. I became aware of all the deep connections that I have with the people around me. And that made me feel very gratefull.


The Workshops
When we did the family constellations I put in my question. How come I couldn't move forward with my carreer, I still felt like a young girl even though I realised I had it all in me to get where I wanted to be in life and my carreer.
We set up the constellation, and it appeared to be a former life-time. A place in time where it was dangerous for the powerfull woman that I was, to follow through, so a big black dominant presence had to protect me for the danger, otherwise I would be killed.
It immediately made sense to me. I always had the feeling something happened to me in the medieval times. That I was really powerfull but could not live up to the full extend.
Although the big black power felt too strong to handle, I felt I could use it, if it would change to something positive. And then I could reach my talent and goals.
When the representative that stood in between me and my talent, told me it was now safe for
me to be the powerfull woman that I was, that I could let go of the fear, the most bizarre thing happened. I felt a vortex of energy in my stomach. So strong, it felt like my stomach turned upside down. I became dizzy instantly and almost fainted.
And then, out of nothing, I started to cry, to sob really. This immediate release of pain, sorrow and fear. It weren't my tears, they were healing tears, old tears. And within a minute they were gone and I felt completely refreshed and reborne. In contact with this powerfull energy.
Again, another proof of that there was more between heaven and earth.

With the session with the horses I wanted to know what I needed in life to feel this unconditional love and freedom for myself and others . So me and D. decided to do this session together.
D. entered the paddock and went to the back. I immediately felt drawn to him, but I had to walk backwards, as if going back in time.
We stood back to back, and I felt the energy between us, shifting, swirling, so powerfull and tender. Going up and down our chakra’s.
While we sat down on the ground, back to back, and started to communicate all the connection that we felt, the horses did their beautiful dance. Showing us how connection would always be there. How love and uniqueness came together. How self acceptance and power connected with all the rest. That love is unconditional and that I should trust in that. And the rest will follow through.
That night, for the first time I felt Kundalini energy troughout my back. I never felt it before. I was this heath, this warmth, this love, swirling, almost making me dizzy. The bizarre thing is that almost a year ago I decided to tattoo Shakti and a snake on my arm, for representing Kundalini energy, although I never felt it before. And now it happened, it was there. I could feel it physically in my body. I was so gratefull.

The meetings with Dave and Wai, and later with the intuitive body worker Mary, all was acknowledged. That I was a free spirit, a nature spirit. That I had some very cheeky, playfull ancestors. That I was put on this planet to help others, and that I was almost ready. I just had to sit still, and let it all happen. That I could trust the process.
I understood why I desired freedom so much. Why traditional relationships never worked out for me because I’d feel trapped, which was holding me back in life to make my own decisions and go on my own journey.
It was all about what I wanted to do in life. And the only thing I had to do was listen to my intuition. And that grew so strong in the last 2 weeks. I felt energy in my body I never felt before. I felt unconditional love I never felt before. I picked up on other peoples thoughts and energies like they were my own.
So I found the answer to my question. The path is here to follow. And as I see it now, it will bring me to New Zealand permanently. I just have to sit still and wait. With the deeper connections around me.


So now on to my next travels. Kuala Lumpur, Singapore and the phillipines.